Category Archives: cancer

Remembering Susi Roos

In 1993 Susi was recommended to me as a massage therapist to help me cope with multiple sclerosis. She incorporated energy balancing with our sessions, which was new to me. With her help, and other healing professionals. I healed from MS in 1995. As a result, I had a creative re- awakening and began a poetic journal to sing from the Heart. Susi and I continued working on healing through diagnosis, treatment, and recovery from breast cancer. She was a mentor, a partner in healing, a teacher, a student, an inspiration, a supportive friend, a fellow writer, and a colleague.

Snippets that came to mind after her passing (June 26, 2023):

–Susi introduced me to the concept of inner listening (re-connecting with Spirit), even giving me “homework” from our healing sessions to do a quiet time every day to allow listening.

–She introduced me to Rev. Ron Roth and drove us down to Starved Rock for more than one Healing Service.

–She heard about Reiki classes with Bill Farber and arranged for us to go.

–She slowly added energy balancing to our early massage sessions, leading me to Energetic Life Balancing and workshops with Robert Walden? and his wife, Betty Lou Lieber? (I still do some of the daily ELB sheet, every day).

–She had a Spirit Circle gathering once a month and I met Geary Davis there. One time, when Susi was away, we conducted the Spirit Circle. Geary became a dear friend and my acupuncturist.

–Susi had the idea of writing the second set of verses of my song, “Prayer of Lovingkindness,” in present tense, which I sang at the opening or anniversary celebration of Infinity Foundation, and many other places. It is on my CD, Full Blooming.

–Susi was the reason I went to the Cancer Treatment Center after my second round of breast cancer, 11 years after the first, (I did not end up staying there) where I met Katherine Puckett, who I now know through folk music and Facebook, a small world.

–Susi was a great supporter of my writing. Sometimes I would read new poems to her as part of our sessions. When she was at the Healing Center in Glenview? she sold my cards and books at the store there.

******

From my first book, As Easy as Breathing: Reclaiming Power for Healing and Transformation, Poems, Letters, and Inner Listening:

In Gratitude

Many people answered my call for help, some whose names I never knew. Although I cannot thank each of them individually, I am most grateful for their timely presence in my life. Special thanks to my medical team, particularly Noreen Kelly, Cathy Lanigan, Steven Bines, Janet Wolter and Michelle Goodman. Your warm support, kindness, and listening made all the difference. I would also like to acknowledge the following people. Warm hugs of gratitude to Susi Roos, who was my partner in the healing dance and who guided me toward inner listening, and to Barbara Racioppo, who made a safe and loving space for me to consider and risk healing. I am grateful to Ron Roth for being his loving, healing self and for laying out the choice: whether “to become bitter or better.” His support meant a great deal to me. Following treatment, Fran Rubens helped me to revive and restore, stimulating me to grow on all levels. Thank you. Thanks to Tricia Higgins for her gift of sight, great hands, open heart and willingness to read my early manuscript.

Kip Snyder helped me recover and trust in my true voice. Without his unconditional support I would not have risked sending such personal work out into the world. He also gave me the idea for “Bird Poop.” Thank you so much. I am most grateful for the detailed comments and encouragement of Chris Belz. His words buoyed me up in difficult times. Thanks to Jean McGrew whose healing journey, friendship, and beautiful poems warmed and inspired me. The writing of Mary Oliver, Lisel Mueller, Jane Kenyon, and Natalie Goldberg opened the door for me, making it seem possible for me to write. I am deeply grateful to Cynthia Zeki Riley for her generous support and comments on the final manuscript of this book. Thank you all for doing what you do and being who you are and sharing it with me.

My deepest love and heartfelt thanks to my generous husband, Stephen, who was willing to walk with me on this winding, sometimes dark, sometimes luminous road, and to Blake and Alex, whose love and hugs kept me connected to the earth.

 

Prayer of Lovingkindness

May I be at peace.
May my heart remain open.
May I awaken to the light of my own true nature.
May I be healed.
May I be a source of healing for all beings.

May you be at peace
May your heart remain open.
May you awaken to the light of your own true nature.
May you be healed.
May you be a source of healing for all beings.*

May we be at peace.
May our hearts remain open.
May we awaken to the light of our own true nature.
May we be healed.
May we be a source of healing for all beings.

******

I am at peace.
My heart remains open.
I awaken to the light of my own true nature.
I am healed.
I am a source of healing for all beings.

You are at peace
Your heart remains open.
You awaken to the light of your own true nature.
You are healed.
You are a source of healing for all beings.*

We are at peace.
Our hearts remain open.
We awaken to the light of our own true nature.
We are healed.
We are a source of healing for all beings.

*The second and fifth verses may
be repeated three times:
–first time: envision a loved one
–second time: envision someone you are at odds with
–third time: focus on a particular troubled spot of the earth.

Thus, the prayer starts with you and ripples outward like a stone dropped on a clear pond.

Susi Roos had the idea to write the second set of verses in present tense, a powerful expression of healing.

Words to the Buddhist metta ( lovingkindness) meditation adapted
from Pocketful of Miracles by Joan Borysenko, Ph.D.

Sung on my CD, Full Blooming: Selections from a Poetic Journal
Vocals and music by Margaret Dubay Mikus

 

11/3/95

To S.R.: Thank You

Thank you for the songs
at just this perfect time,
songs that nurture and support
those newly healed places,
songs of true inner knowing
and connection.

These are songs that
make me tingle and cry
with their truth
and love and joy.
These are songs that have
the power to uplift and enfold.

Thank you.

Margaret Dubay Mikus
© 1995

From my poetic journal

 

11/20/95

Anger

I need to release some old baggage
to do what I set out to do.
A chunk of this turns out to be deep anger
directed at my long ago self,
having grown and mushroomed in the meantime.
When I think of letting it out,
it seems to me to be a white hot flame
that will melt everything in its path.
It feels quite dangerous to send anger out
to wreak such destruction.
But there is also a voice in my head
from someone I heard recently:
“Believe that you are harmless,”
meaning it is safe to let the anger go
no matter how it seems to feel;
the result will be fine, no harm done.

Margaret Dubay Mikus
© 1995

From my poetic journal

 

11/28/95

To S.R., My Dancing Partner

It incredible to me
that we ended up partners
in this bi-weekly parallel dance.
First one leads, then the other
in perfect rhythm and harmony.

It is no coincidence that our lives
cross in so many different ways,
spiritual explorer, writer, healer,
teacher, seeker of truth,
mother, daughter, and wife.

To mix in another metaphor;
it seems to me that we are
two perfect blooming roses,
one, an early spring blossom,
the other, a later blooming variety.
Both exactly right and magnificent,
just what the garden needs.

These past years we have both grown
and changed and bloomed the more fully
side by side.
All at the perfect time;
changing with the seasons.

Speaking for myself,
this healing dance that we do
has been nourishing and nurturing.
Your intuition and Connection
continue to amaze and delight.

What an awesome, incredible woman you are
with all these pieces aligned!
The perfect mirror for me to see
reflections of my true self.
It has been a joy to watch our petals unfold.

Margaret Dubay Mikus
© 1995

From my poetic journal

 

1/14/96

To All My Greek Columns

I have been drawn to you
and drawn you all to me,
for the purpose of building
a new temple that is luminous
from the light within.

This temple shimmers
with a glow so intense it radiates
out to all who pass by.
This is a place where people can come
to see and be seen, to heal and be healed.

You all have been the columns
that supported this growing structure,
Greek columns, each beautiful and unique,
each providing your own kind of support.

Initially the temple in my vision
was just a glowing mist in my head,
with the Greek columns at the base.
It has now become a firm structure
with your support incorporated.

Thank you.

Margaret Dubay Mikus
© 1996

From my poetic journal

 

7/13/96

To S.R.

When the haze
lifts,
am I frightened
by the light?

When mist
dissipates,
is the world
all the more clearly fear?

When fog,
so dense I can taste,
no longer safely
encloses,
then…then
do I welcome back
clarity and color,
fullness of living and loving?

Or do I retreat,
shivering in fear
under dark covers?

Fear comes in many guises.
It doesn’t have to be
heart-pounding and
brain-numbing;
it could be a tiny voice
that says “It isn’t safe”
and is believed.

Margaret Dubay Mikus
© 1996

From my poetic journal

 

11/26/96

Thank You to All

Never was it more true
we do not heal alone.
When did this part
of the journey begin?
Possibly with Carol
and Judy who sent me.

And another Judy who sent me
to Barbara who sent me to Susi.
Thank you to all.

Then there was Bruce and Pam
and Noreen who watched over
and Cathy and Art, who played
his part. And all whose
names I only briefly knew.
Thank you to all.

To Steve and Janet and Shalina,
two medical students, Mike and Bill,
two nurses, Dorothy Ann and Heather,
whose minds were willing and hearts were open.
To Walter who did “anesthesia by distraction,”
and to Michelle and Madeline, Sheila, and Sally.

To Bill and Bill and David and Betty,
Tom and Lynn, Eleanor and Gabrielle,
Depak and Louise, Joan and Bernie,
Mary Ann, Susan, Peter and Thomas.
To Caroline, Sam, and Cecilia;
Peggy and Pam, Etta and Mary Ann,
Toni, Merle, Joe and Dora,
Jane and Jan, Mary and Sarah.
To Nancy and Lisa, Cathie and Lou.
Thank you to all.

To Stephen and Blake and Alexandra,
there from beginning to never-ending.
Thank you, my sweets, thank you.

To Dorothy who came when I called
and stayed connected throughout.
To Virginia and Marie,
Barbara and Rae,

Chris, Emily and Raechel.

To Elaine and Jo Lynn.
To Francis and Karen and Ken.
Thank you to all.

To Margaret and Elizabeth,
Joanne and Cheryl, Ron and Paul.
To Anita, Ann and Anne,
Julie, Ginny, Kip, and Don,
Ruth and Evelyn, Beth and Sue.
To Ana and Marie, John and Mary Anne,
Barbara, Johnny, and Aubrey.
To Chuck and Joan, Miriam, Kelsey, and Kelly.
Thank you to all.

To Carol, Heidi, Yvette, and Yvonne,
Annemarie, Meryl, Karen, and Carolyn.
To Yanni, Renee, and the singing Benedictine monks.
To Susannah, Hildegard, Susun, and Neal,
Marianne, Andrew, and Rachel…
Thank you to all.

To all who sent and all who received,
all who asked and all who listened.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Margaret Dubay Mikus
© 1996

From my book, As Easy as Breathing

 

12/12/96

I Am Not/I Am

I am not a particularly good Susi
or Barbara or Stephen.

I am not a wonderful Alexandra
or Virginia or Dorothy.

I am not a terrific Tom
or Bill or Bob or Lucia.

I am not a marvelous Cheryl
or Lauren or Pamela or Karen.

I am not a superb Theresa
or Hildegard or Mary or Blake or Ron.

I am…truly
a magnificent Me.

Margaret Dubay Mikus
© 1996

From As Easy as Breathing
and one of my Life Support Cards (TM)

 

1/8/97

Easy Flowing

And so our tracks
from parallel, gently…gracefully…
separate, edging further apart,
no longer as from wheels
on a single vehicle.

And so our paths do part,
each enriched by the other’s richness,
as tributaries from a great river
that come together for a time
and then split off, flow enhanced,
to each deposit fertile soil
on new and different territory.

How easy can be
this flowing together
and flowing apart.

Margaret Dubay Mikus
© 1997

From my book, As Easy as Breathing

 

1/8/97

Where Can a Teacher Go to Learn

I am no longer a beginner,
except as each day
is a new beginning.

I have done and felt and healed
and explored and learned
for long and continuing.

I am ready, willing and
more than able to teach
and to continue learning.

I have found what is time perfect,
a puzzle where all the pieces fit,
and now I need gentle direction

and guidance. “Just listen,”
I hear and know that is right;
it is not outside, but within.

Where can a teacher go to learn?
Anywhere that resonates.
Anywhere she chooses.

Margaret Dubay Mikus
© 1997

From my poetic journal

 

6/22/97

The Glitter-Laden Bockwinkels
(at Starved Rock)

The glitter-laden Bockwinkels,
smiles upon their faces,
skin sticky from
hiking in the forest,

came to a party
dressed as themselves.
Yuri ate cake on a stick.
Frosting found Kira’s

nose and cheeks and chin.
Chani displayed her easy
prowess at being a dancing
girlish pretzel.

The Bockwinkels range
from small to taller,
each one quite unique.
With gentle hearts and beaming eyes

they clutched their party balloons.
From Kira’s small hand
and teasing, testing eye,
one big sphere slipped out

and floated up higher than
any hand could catch.
Mom Bock tried her best,
even balancing on a chair,

but the illusive ribbon
remained just out of reach.
Still she tried once more,
with support and Kira

on her shoulders, standing
again on aforesaid chair.
The slender brown arm
reached and stretched

and stretched yet further still…
until… the treasure was
happily restored. With secure
loops around small wrists,

the B’s did leave the party,
for quick pics with a wooden Indian,
with smiles and silly faces,
glitter star on lip and forehead,

shiny specks in hair and ears,
balloons swelling under one shirt.
Then off they went,
giggles and energy spent,

packed in the car,
sweaty thighs sticking on seats,
to meet with Dad B and sleep
in the deep with a peaceful heart.

Margaret Dubay Mikus
© 1997

From my poetic journal

 

5/20/05

Invite Fear to Tea

What would it look like, feel like,
to invite fear to tea,
warily circle, then sit, sipping?
No judgment, no struggle,

only acknowledgment and being with,
not to understand or accommodate
or even talk with,
not to lessen or wrestle with.

Just to sit, sipping tea,
graciously, neutrally,
looking eye into eye,
quite normally.

Invite fear to tea,
sit down naturally,
calmly, not as with an enemy,
engage in social niceties:

Sugar? One lump or two? Milk or lemon?
Glance away thoughtful,
not stare or press for conversation,
not in curiosity, not in capitulation.

If ever I could…

Margaret Dubay Mikus
© 2005

From my CD, Full Blooming: Selections from a Poetic Journal

For a National Day of Celebration

Written for and read in Grant Park (Chicago, IL) at a gathering for National Cancer Survivors’ Day following my first healing journey through cancer treatment. Thank you to all those on my healing team!

For a National Day of Celebration

I have healed from cancer,
I am a cancer thriver.
I have sucked this
sometimes bitter mint,
sometimes sweet,

and have grown
from the knowing
of its juices.
I have learned of love
that can’t wait

and I have chosen
and accepted healing
in all my aspects,
not just the body.
My mind and spirit
called out in need

and I have answered.
I cried out for help
and have been showered with it.
My relationships are healed,
my life is healed.
I am most blessed.

It is my continuing choice now
to remember what I know
and let this flow through me
to others in need.
We are all chosen
and marked for this task:

that our healing should
radiate out from us like
a stone skipped on the purest pond,
to gently and powerfully
heal all we find.

There is no going back to our old lives;
for a thriver the healing continues,
to learn again
how to laugh from the belly,
how to sing with full voice,
how to dance your socks off!

Margaret Dubay Mikus
(c) 1997

From As Easy as Breathing

Love and Only Love

This poem has been in my head lately as a reminder that no matter what struggles are going on with my body, to send it love. It is doing its best. A good way to start a new year.

Love and Only Love

Love with every stroke of the shaver,
with every lather of soap, slather of lotion, love.

Not impatience, not frustration, not disgust
at varicose veins, sags, wrinkles, scars,

but love,
with every look, every caress

at the power, the strength,
the beauty of this body in my care.

Love with every glance in the mirror
every wry smile, every tear.

Love, love and only love.
Yes, other thoughts slip in,

let them slip out,
no recrimination, no justification.

Love with every stroke,
healing in my touch, breath

and blink of an eye.
Love, love and only love.

Margaret Dubay Mikus
© 2007

From my poetic journal

Fireworks, Copyright 2014, M D Mikus

Inspired by Tom Prasada-Rao

Heading Back Home by Margaret Dubay Mikus, Copyright 2015

For me, the past year has been a “Twilight Zone” of one medical crisis after another—a new “surprise” before I’d even healed from the last one. From heart problems, possibly related to cancer treatment 23 years ago (with talk of a pacemaker) to 6 excision biopsies and 4 subsequent surgeries for melanoma, with an extreme allergy to the hypoallergenic tape, which caused blistering of my skin. Extended vertigo. I was hit by a motorcycle (no serious injury). A kidney stone (not my first, not the usual composition) led to a sudden jump in blood pressure. The procedure blasting the stone, went awry due to an equipment malfunction, which led to a whole array of ongoing problems including, bizarrely, a strained knee, which months later, is still debilitating. Interspersed with a sprinkling of other “issues” just for spice.

Not to whine or complain, but really? As it turns out, I’m doing ok. One moment at a time, remembering to breathe. Remembering I have healing tools and support. Remembering to ask for help.

Over and over again help has come to dig me out of the depths. My loving husband stepped up big time. Very few days have we both lost our “cool” in all this mess. Family and friends and my support team kept me going. Doctors who listen. Nature to rebalance. Books to escape with. Music to uplift. And the moving stories of others going through their own big-time challenges.

Tom Prasada-Rao is a gifted musician with a healing story. He is a lovely singer/songwriter who went through major cancer surgery this past winter. He wrote about it on Facebook, showing a photo of his long scar. Normally I don’t really care for post-surgery photos, but his story and attitude about his “bad ass scar” “increasing his street cred” was potent healing medicine for me as I headed into more of my own surgeries.

These are the 3 poems inspired by Tom and his music and courageous, loving, healing presence. My heartfelt thanks, Tom Prasada-Rao!

2/4/19

“Badass Scar”

Thank you Tom Prasada-Rao
for changing my anxious mind
in one heartfelt line
about your long surgery
and re-emergence into the light

As I face another visible scar
another 2 surgeries, not nearly
as complex or dangerous as yours
my troubles lightened and lifted
a smile appeared, no lie

Each scar—of the many—
a badge of survival
And the pain that comes still
even after months of healing
is nothing to what could have been

if cancer had won.

Margaret Dubay Mikus
© 2019

2/13/19

Wounded Healer

of T P-R

Sometimes
stay very still
in one place
quietly breathing
and listen.
It is hard and
it is your job
to receive.
Not at some point
to restore or resume
or even to refresh
but to find
the new threads to weave
and then follow them out
of persistent darkness.
Tell your honest story
invite in those needing comfort
not to rebuild what was, but
to create who you are becoming.
To trust more
to be patient more than ever before.
To befriend darkness
to release and reveal.
To fully inhabit
this body with scars
measured in miles
in tears, in fears.
To go away, to dive deep
and come back
deeper still
loving.

Margaret Dubay Mikus
© 2019

2/23/19

Doing Healing Work

from Tom and Eric and Karla
who have never met as far as I know

The hardest
when traveling
through and past
abject darkness
it to not become
dark
soaked in it
through and through
no matter how
it may damage you
and then spraying dark all around you
unaware, even unwilling.
No
I tell you true
do not choose to
go behind that door
in this life game show
we are creating.
Even if a dark dip
choose love
choose light.
Begin with you
let dark slide off you
“like water off a duck’s back”
as my mother used to say
to her sensitive daughter.
Or let dark overtake
temporarily, feel fully
and remember to release.
Or find your own metaphor
your own goal to aim for.
No matter what has happened
is happening
let go of fear
let go of mindlessness
remember you are a wondrous healer
think of all the scrapes and bruises
you no longer have, inside and out.
You are headed somewhere.
And if this is it
this black bottomless pit
where no light escapes or enters
remember
this is not who you are
only where you are.
Find a bird singing somewhere
or a leaf falling in the flowing river.
Find a cloud of any shape or color
or a clear cloudless depth of azure sky.
Find a song that uplifts
already written or write your own
maybe from your re-formation.
Look anywhere, there is a thread
or beginning of an idea of a thread
that can be woven into
a rope to shape into a ladder
to climb back out on.
Not avoiding the rich loam of life
the shell or armor of protection
as if nothing harsh or fatal
will get out or in
but consider
allowing the possibility of
transformation and transcendence.
Without change there is no growth
without growth there is no life.
Why else did you come?

Margaret Dubay Mikus
© 2019

One more bit of inspiration by Tom:
Although I’ve often read my poems to groups of people, it took years for me to record my first poem-video—just after my birthday in 2014. I was painfully shy about it. My willingness to make that first recording was inspired in part by Tom Prasada-Rao and his deeply heartfelt songs that he posted on Facebook. (I now have almost 70 poem-videos on my YouTube channel.)
Here is the blog post with my reading of that first poem, “I Know That.”

Or is you prefer, you can go directly to YouTube:
“I Know That”—on YouTube

50–“Risk” from “As Easy as Breathing”

Updated from a post on Jan. 20, 2017

Trees and Shadow by Margaret Dubay Mikus, Copyright 2010

Risk

It’s a risk
to wake up every morning

and see
if you fall short

or stand tall,
grow an inch or a foot,

see what seeds may land
and take root,

your heart cracked open
like a walnut.

It’s a risk
to get up every morning,

leave the land of dreams
and begin again,

leave the land of dreams and dreaming,
stride on solid ground,

learn and teach,
grow and glow…

then throw out all you know
and begin again.

It’s a risk.

Margaret Dubay Mikus
© 1998

From my book, As Easy as Breathing: Reclaiming Power for Healing and Transformation. It was written in response to a guy I knew who said he needed risky sports to feel alive. Watch my reading here: https://youtu.be/6OstW8lniek

In the years after my first breast cancer treatment (1996-7, surgery, chemo, and radiation), I continued to write with a healing intention, sharing my poems with those who might be helped by them. Eventually I considered assembling a book. My first concept was a small collection to help cancer patients and their families and friends. After 9/11/2001, I realized that people like me, who had dealt with life threatening illness, learned a lot about living in times of great fear. And so the book got bigger, with selected poems from a 6-year period. Over the years, these poems have supported many people in coping with all kinds of traumatic life circumstances—including cancer—and to even thrive.

“Risk” is on my CD, Full Blooming: Selections from a Poetic Journal… with some other poems from As Easy As Breathing and also Letting Go and New Beginnings (and 3 songs).

For more video poems