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Getting Ready to Leave

You don't know me that well,
whatever you have read or heard,
however revealing I might have seemed
when telling the old stories.

I never said I was perfect
or even close. I did say I was generous.
There are days when I no longer
want to be a mother after midnight—

can you possibly understand that?
When I signed on I didn’t know,
couldn’t conceivably have known,
how the days turn to year after year.

I am a shape shifter,
a surfer on the River,
I am slippery, illusive,
can't get a handle on.

Even so, more than can be said,
I have always loved you—
from dot to peanut to full grown,
about to fly on the wind and cast your own shade.

Do I regret? No, I don't.
Still I struggle for balance,
still I grasp at the straws
of a life of my own.

No, I would not have been the same—
you have shaped me and healed me.
So I sing late into the night—
what of that?

Margaret Dubay Mikus
Copyright © 2001

The Fierceness of Loving

Now you are gone
the silence has a presence of its own.

I have longed to get back
to my other life

the one that continues when you leave,
my gift to you, this letting go.

I missed you the moment you left
and allowed myself that time to grieve

and keen and then as therapy
I began to clean,

partly restoring order,
partly to focus on something concrete

and unrelated, partly meditation,
fulfilling my dream of good intention.

I missed you before you left
and struggled against

the thoughts that brought tears,
for after all you were still here.

And now
to resume a life disrupted,

not to pick up the same threads exactly—
for the river of life continued to flow

carrying me to new harbors,
opening fresh possibilities.

Thank you for coming back to us,
what joy to watch you grow!

How much I have learned
about the fierceness of loving.

Margaret Dubay Mikus
Copyright © 2004

College On the Moon

It is not as if she is
going to college on the moon,
her essence and scent and stuff
will still be in her room.

But her days will not be entwined with my own,
her smile or frown not my daily concern
as it was in the beginning and it seemed ever would be.
What can I say?

The moon will shine where she goes and the sun,
and my life will expand to fit her travels.
As with her brother, I will adjust to the space and the quiet
and flow into the life I am building.

If only I could see farther than my nose,
I would be reassured, but on some days
I can see only out of one eye and only
straight ahead. And so the future eludes me.

Margaret Dubay Mikus
Copyright © 2004

Bittersweet Summer

The whole summer was like
a Band-aid being ripped off slowly,
and the whole summer was like
eating a Dairy Queen vanilla cone
melting in the heat, slowly dripping down my hand
as my tongue lapped at the sweetness.

Days of peace and
days of chaos,
light and dark intermixed,
often surprises.

Getting ready for,
and being in the pure moment,
anticipation of simplicity
and solitude,
and dread of separation.

Choosing not to think,
thinking too much,
trying my best,
stumbling, falling, flying.

Who knows what is right
and for whom
and for when.

But in this linear way we have
of experiencing
one thing is certain:
the end of summer will come.

And in the other realms,
for better or worse,
this summer is endless.

Margaret Dubay Mikus
Copyright © 2005

Reset Button

In a sense
I have not allowed myself
to let go
of your small hand in mine
as we cross the busy street,

although I know you are ready
and you know you are ready.
Perhaps guilt over sometimes
letting you cry, when I
was needing my own life,

but felt stuck in the apparent
confines of caring for two small children,
the life I had,
a life I had chosen.
But now, do you see it too?

It is time to let go
and walk as equals, side by side,
each as tall as the other,
each as weak and as strong,
each sometimes needing a hand.

Margaret Dubay Mikus
Copyright © 2006

Loving Detachment

To love and let go
even more so…yes

no result in mind
not even safety.

I do not know
why you came

but I do know
there is reason

behind apparent madness
seeds of growth

sown in bog of darkness
inevitable love infuses chaos.

Life is messy and rich
and unexpected.

Even funny…
yes.

Margaret Dubay Mikus
Copyright © 2006

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